Member-only story
Is it okay to be not okay?
Even if it could be worse…
Trigger warning: I mention suicide. If that will bother you, read this instead.
It could be worse. I’m in a country that’s doing a fantastic job of COVID vaccination. While several close friends have been severely ill, no one close to me has died of COVID. My friend with cancer is in a country where she can get treatment without going bankrupt. My mother is in a safe country with good social services. I have somewhere safe to stay, I have enough food, and I’m using my time productively. Objectively, I’m doing well — it could be worse.
So why do I burst into tears for no obvious reason? Why does the anxiety and fear never leave me? Why does every little bump in the road feel like a mountain? Sure, I haven’t been home for over two years and there’s no sign of being able to go home in the foreseeable future, but it could be worse.
When my brother killed himself, I found out mid-morning. I had a job to do, so I kept working. When I had time, I taped my phone to the wall of my cabin to record an obituary for his funeral. It took hours, but I eventually got a usable recording. As I sat awake at 03:00, hugging my pillow and watching the funeral on a flaky internet connection on my phone, I reminded myself that most seafarers couldn’t even access a bad internet connection to watch…
